The Single Girl Diaries

Music Monday - Something About a Truck

2011-09-19T17:49:00.005-05:00

I had forgotten about this song until today when a friend told me it would be available on Itunes next week.

I have to say there is something about a truck. :)

Things I Dig

2011-09-15T12:54:00.005-05:00

Flea Markets.....not fleas.
Dove Chocolate Promises. Such a stress reliever. That's my story!
Stila Lip Gloss. Seriously, best stuff EVER.
Scarves. It's that time of year!
Backroads.
Naps. Yes, I am 85 years old.
Beef Jerky. It's medicinal I tell ya!
Peace & quiet. I think I hear a bubble bath calling my name.
Fall. The season not the the act of.
When he kiss the dimple on my cheek.

Dunkin 'Nuts

2011-09-13T11:28:00.003-05:00

Several weeks ago there was a news story about a prosti-ho who was running her "business" out of a Dunkin Doughnuts. Apparently, if you asked for "extra sugar" with your decaf coffee, you were given an entirely different Dunkin 'Nuts menu. On some occasions she would even give discounts on her services. Ya know, you do what you gotta do to make the Benjamin's but discounting your "goodies" is never the answer.

I wonder if she ever used the food in her "services". Something like a ring toss game or using the creme filling for other purposes. One thing is for sure, there is probably some man some where that asked for "extra sugar" and got a VERY big surprise. He is now their most loyal customer and has Type 2 diabetes.

Music Monday - Adele

2011-09-13T10:35:00.002-05:00

So here is the Music Monday post.....on Tuesday. Sorry maybe one day I will get all my ducks in a row. I could blame it on my dad being in the hospital and the lack of time I've had but honestly.....there's a fella that I have been spending all my non-hospital time with. As most of you know I have a rule against talking about any current relationship I might be in. All I am going to say is he is amazing and I am happier than I can ever remember being.

SO moving on here is one of my favorite musicians, Adele. Honestly, I like the Garth Brooks version of this song much better but apparently you can only find it on the movie Hope Floats. Yes, I realize this is not a new trendy song or whatever but I'm liking it. Enjoy!

P.S. I apologize for how random it all sounds, but you try writing a post in a hospital with doctors, nurses and vampires coming in constantly.

Push and Pull

2011-08-30T18:14:00.003-05:00

This was originally posted on my myspace blog on April 3, 2007

As he walked me to my car my heart began to beat faster. The night had been everything I wanted it to be. Dinner, movie, walk in the moonlight. We even stopped for ice cream as we strolled by all the little shops. Now as I reach for the door handle his hand closes over mine.

I pull. He pushes.

I turn to look at him and he smiles his naughty smile. He pushes me back against the car as his lips find their way to my lips. My neck. I pull him closer.

One moment leads to another and before I realize it we are in his house. He pushes me down onto the bed and I pull him to me.

One kiss becomes two. Two becomes three and before long we are entwined together. Inseparable. I pull his tie off. He pushes my jacket off my shoulders. Things begin to heat up. I hear a noise in the distance. Something I can't quiet figure out. His lips move down my neck. My chest. That sound still penetrates my thoughts. An alarm clock? Where is it coming from? His hands push at my pants. I pull his shirt off.

Things start fading. The sound gets louder.

Slowly I open my eyes to the sunlight pouring into the room. I look around and realize I am in my bed. Alone. I take a deep breath and push the button on the alarm clock and pull myself out of bed.

What a way to start a morning!

Pain with your Pleasure

2011-08-30T17:49:00.002-05:00

This was originally posted on my myspace blog 10-28-08

Overheard:
Person 1: You have a gigantic hickey on your neck.
Person 2: It's not a hickey...It's a bite mark.
Person1: Is there a difference?

Is there a difference? WTH?!?! Shame for even asking! Yes, there is a difference. And I will explain and enlighten since, you know, I've got nothing real to write about.

Hickeys Suck:

There are several ways to get a hickey. Anything that sucks will do the trick. A vacuum hose, even a coffee mug that you've sucked to your chin will leave a mark. Umm yeah it sucks big ones...marks that is. Though, clearly the preferred method is suction from another persons mouth. A visible hickey is, like acne, an adolescent marker. To quote an experienced friend, it is "a concerted effort to brand one another" and is for teenagers fumbling around in backseats of their parents cars. Hickeys are soggy and require something of a time investment--quite a bit of sucking goes into a decent sized marker.

Bite Me!

Precursor to a kiss, a little nip in the heat of passion may leave the same tell-tale bruising as the aforementioned hickey, but bite marks are a different beast all together. Biting is not kids' stuff. It's sweaty, heady, a litte pain-with-your-pleasure, I-want-to-devour you stuff. It's quick, surprising and worth the investment of a good all purpose silk scarf if concealment becomes necessary. Or it's a sign you are dating a vampire. Either way, it's hot

Music Monday - Pistol Annies

2011-08-23T19:48:00.003-05:00

Soooooooooo some of you may have heard me joke about needing a sugar daddy, this song will make you want one too!

Enjoy!

Tampons and Oreos

2011-08-13T16:33:00.003-05:00

There is about to be some serious girl talk, so fellas read on if you dare.

My tampons have inspirational messages written on their packaging. (And just like that 5 men stopped reading and lost their lunch). It's no secret to some of my friends how bad this bothers me. When I open a new tampon I sometimes send out "Tampon Quote of the Day" text messages. They all have these nifty, sporty quotes. (duh they're sport tampons. I'm not sporty but a bargain is a bargain. And isn't competitive Cheeto eating a sport?) Things like, "Go for the goal", "Keep doing what you do best", and my personal favorite "Get out there and show 'emm what you got" . What I got is my period! I'm not showing that!

If real women were writing these I believe they would say things like "Put down the jar of Nutella and the taser", "The crying will stop soon" and "Lorena Bobbit didn't get away with it".

Until they let me start writing the quotes I will be over here fondling oreos.

My Current Obsessions

2011-08-07T10:24:00.003-05:00

Here is a list of my current obsessions:

1) Captain Crunch: If its good enough for the Captain, it's good enough for me.

2) Postsecret.com : This is my favorite website. The first thing I do every Sunday morning is look at the new secrets. It is like an addiction.

3) My Kindle: I've even given her a name. It's my most committed relationship.

4) Cupcake recipes: OMG. I think I have looked at every cupcake recipe out there.

5) Ice coffee: It completes me.

6) Purity by Philosophy face wash: I have converted numerous people to this. It's like crack for my face. Well, except it only does good things.

7) Beef Jerky: I'm anemic. It's medicinal. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

8) Finding Bigfoot: Not the act, but the show. I <3 Bo Bo!!!

9) Angry Birds: Bird is the word.

10) Laying naked next to the freezer to recover from the heat.

Music Monday - Johnny Lang

2011-07-31T18:51:00.002-05:00

Let me be honest for a moment, I REALLY wanted to use a Britney Spears vid for Music Monday this week. When I first started Music Monday I wanted to use music that isn't very popular, things you wouldn't normally hear on the radio. SO, in that spirit I present to you Johnny Lang - Lie To Me.

ENJOY!

Scuba Suits and Easy Cheese

2011-07-13T19:29:00.003-05:00

I had lunch with some lovely ladies a few weeks ago. When we get together it's like a circus of words and it's amazing! The gift of gab, we have it. The conversation can go from church to trannys in a split second.

This particular day, the one subject I remember the most is "freak flags". While we didn't talk about our personal flags (I choose to believe we aren't freaks) we did talk about others that we knew.

Let's face it most people have a hidden freak. Some people enjoy having their hair pulled, role playing, weird positions or "golden showers" (YUCK). Whatever your freak flag is, let it fly! Just don't pull that shit without warning. Nobody wants to be surprised by easy cheese in their cha cha.

Faking It

2011-07-05T20:05:00.003-05:00

I've been faking the happy a lot lately. Between drama at work (drama is an understatement), trying to get adjusted from the move (ohh yeah so my home got destroyed in the storms) and male drama; I have been anything but happy.

If you follow me on twitter you have saw the whining and the continuous pity parties (I am oh so very sorry and I promise to bring back the funny ASAP). To the rest of the world I am just as fat and happy as ever.

I've faked lots of things in my life. I've faked crying, smiling, anger and heck even orgasms but faking happy is the worst. So as I try to come back to this whole blogging thing, please be patient. Oh, and for the record, yes guys we girls all fake it sometimes....and I'm not talking about being happy. ;)

Chocolate Covered Crack

2011-06-30T06:33:00.004-05:00

If you follow me on Twitter, you know my love for the crack heads. I realize its bad, but seriously these people act like the rest of us are calling the mothership.

A few nights ago Peaches and I were hanging out at the Dollar Tree (yeah, we like to keep it classy).

Like a ninja dropping out of a ceiling tile ,undetected, appeared the crackhead. She literally jumped in my face.

CH: HEY DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE HOT CHOCOLATE IS?!?!?!?!?
ME: Umm.....
CH: OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR EARRINGS. I MADE THAT DESIGN. SEE... showing me her wrist with a ginormous design just like my earrings.

ME: ...........

CH: WHERE DID YOU GET THESE, I JUST LOVE THEM. I MAKE EARRINGS AND SCARVES AND ALL OF THESE REALLY NEAT THINGS AND IS THE HOT CHOCOLATE DOWN HERE?

ME: Umm.......

And the crackhead walks off mumbling. Peaches and I couldn't do anything but stand there in stunned silence, we may have laughed A LOT too. Always be prepared for a Ninja Crackhead attack.

P.S. This picture is in fact NOT of the crackhead. This is some random girl that shows up where I am sometimes.

Norah Jones - What Am I To You?

2011-04-10T17:53:00.003-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while and blah blah blah. Well, get over it. In the meantime enjoy this great song from an amazing artist that I have loved for YEARS.

Enjoy!

Seether-Country Song

2011-03-13T17:16:00.004-05:00

Warning: If you are expecting a country song, you might be sadly disappointed. Also I have no idea why I chose this song. No particular reason, just kinda thought it kicked butt. Enjoy!!!

Music Monday - Adele

2011-03-07T13:19:00.003-06:00

I am in love with this song! Adele has an amazing voice. I highly recommend her new album 21.

Adele - Rolling in the Deep

And just because I love you guys so much here is another one off of 21.

Music Monday - WEEZER!!!!

2011-02-20T10:11:00.003-06:00

It's a two for one special today!! I couldn't decide what song I wanted to post but I knew I wanted it to be Weezer.

First: Weezer - Buddy Holy. You've got Weezer, Happy Days and Fonzie doing some kind of weird Russian dance. HOW CAN THIS VIDEO DISAPPOINT?

Second: Weezer - Beverly Hills. You've got Weezer and Hef (not the Hof), ya know its gonna be awesome with Hef.

My Ears Can't Handle It Anymore

2011-02-15T18:22:00.002-06:00

An essential list of songs that need to be nixed because if I have to hear them one more time I might punch someone:

1.) Katy Perry – Firework: Ok, I liked this song but O.M.G it is on every commercial and the E! Pre-Grammy show played it 9,422 times. Just stop!

2.) Anything Taylor Swift has or will sing, EVER!

3.) Tonight-Enrique Iglesias: The other version of this song, however, always leaves me stunned.

4.) Blake Shelton- Who Are You When I’m Not Looking: I really like this song, but the radio stations are driving it in the ground.

5.) Black Eyed Peas- Dirty Bit: SHUT UP ALREADY!

6.) Usher- OMG: OMG is this your only song now! What happened to singing? If I have to hear you sing “Oh Oh Oh Oh” one more time I’m drivin to yo house and dottin your eye.

7.) Miranda Lambert-The House that Built Me: Every single time you say something about your favorite dog being buried in the yard I just think “eww”. If a stranger walked up on my steps and told me that, I might hand them a shovel and say dig him up.

8.) Lady Antebellum-Need You Now: I love Lady A, but I am beginning to think this is the only song they remember. I need you to shut up now!

9.) Eminem & Rihanna-Love the Way You Lie: I’m gonna set your bed on fire!

10.) Kenney Chesney: Every song you sing is about summertime, drinkin beer or football. YOU AREN’T IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

Catfish and Curve Balls Pt. 2

2011-02-07T18:46:00.002-06:00

When last we left our curly haired little girl she was having her heart re-started by a catfish and the man she spent so many nights thinking of was sitting next to her being a weirdo.

Later that night:

TRC: It was good seeing you tonight.
Me: It was good seeing you too.
TRC: You let your hair grow longer and its lighter.
Me: Yeah, I guess I did since the last time I saw you. You didn’t look so bad yourself.
TRC: Thanks. So when am I going to get to see you again?

There it is, the loaded question. Do I want to see him? Do I want to see if he really has changed? Do I want to know where his new house is so when this ends badly I can toilet paper his yard?

Me: When do you want to see me?
TRC: I want to see you as soon as you can come over.
Me: How about Saturday?
TRC: That sounds good. I will see you then.

Saturday night. Approximately 8 p.m. Standing at TRC’s door.

TRC: Well, well, well.
Me: What?
TRC: I never thought I would see you at my door.
Me: Well, I left some friends to be here so consider yourself lucky.
TRC: Come in and I will give you the grand tour.

To Be Continued......

Dance Me to the End of Love - The Civil Wars

2011-02-06T14:53:00.003-06:00

I know I have always been the Scrooge of Valentine's Day, but in honor of today I thought I would post this beautiful song for you to enjoy. Happy VD...I mean Valentine's Day.

Trace Adkins - This Ain't No Love Song

2011-02-06T14:48:00.004-06:00

A) This man is sexy.

B) This song is great.

C) This man is sexy.

D) This video makes me want to do bad things to that sexy man.

E) Did I mention that this man is sexy?

Curve Balls and Catfish

2011-02-06T13:35:00.002-06:00

A few nights ago while having dinner with The Secret Society (we are such a fabulous group of ladies we have to keep our meetings secret or else we may be hounded by the paparazzi), I turned around and saw TRC walk through the door. (I would have preferred the paparazzi). I believe my heart literally stopped beating for about a minute. I think the catfish I had just eaten had to swim up and give my heart a jump start. He and I had agreed on this whole “we can be friends” thing but never once did I think about what it would be like to run into him in public.

Should I pretend not to have seen him? Should I act like he doesn’t exist? Well, about ten seconds in to those thoughts my fingers did the thinking for me. Texting is dangerous when your brain has no control.

Me: Hey, I see you.
TRC: Ha. Ha. Ha. Whatever
Me: Well, let’s see. Red Alabama shirt, blue jeans and phone on your hip like you like it.
TRC: Where are you?
Me: Opposite side of restaurant, near bar.

The conversation ended for several minutes. My thoughts turned back to times when he wouldn’t meet my friends. Times when I was just his “friend with benefits”. Hmm…maybe we aren’t really friends after all.

BZZZZZT

TRC: If I come over will I ruin your image? LOL

Ummmm….WHAT? Come over? To the table? To the table where I am sitting with my friends!? Umm can you say CURVE BALL?

Me: Sure! Come on over.

As he walks to the table my heart stops again. That fish is really getting his workout tonight.

TRC: Hey. What’s up?
Me: Just hangin’out. Have a seat. Patting the seat next to me trying to act oh so non-chalant.

I introduce him to my friends, Thing 1 and Thing 2. We all make polite conversation and try to pretend that this is not the most awkward moment in the history of the world. Then, as if it weren’t awkward enough..

TRC: So I’m sure you guys have read about me in her blog.

Insert the most awkward of silences EVER!

TRC: I apologize for all that went on and she and I have talked about it and I believe we are okay. We are okay right?
Me: Finding a hard time finding the words to even say anything. Umm…yeah. We are good.

He apologized to my friends! WHAT THE HELL? As if this situation could not have gotten any more awkward HE APOLOGIZED TO MY FRIENDS.

TO BE CONTINUED………..

Wildflower-Janedear Girls

2011-01-31T15:03:00.002-06:00

Annnnnd we're back. I promise I am working on a real post, but thought I would get us back on our schedule by posting a Music Monday blog.

I found this song a few nights while cruising through I-tunes New and Notable section. Honestly, the only reason I clicked on it to hear the clip was because I had just had someone tell me I was a wildflower. After listening to it , I have no problem being a wildflower! Enjoy!

P.S. I apologize this isn't the actual video but some legal guru has blocked it from being embedded.

Jar of Hearts - Music Monday

2011-01-17T18:09:00.002-06:00

You guys should know by now that if I fall in love with a new song more than likely the video is going to be weird. Today's song is no different. It has weird graphics, interpretive dance and a Kat Von D look alike. That said, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this song. You all know my struggles with a certain boy by now. TRC comes back, acts normal for five seconds and then breaks my heart all over again. This video describes that so well, you know, minus all the weird ballet battling.

Barton Hollow - Music Monday

2011-01-10T09:20:00.002-06:00

I realize it has been a while since you guys have heard from me but I’m back and we have a lot to talk about.

First, let’s start back on the right foot with a Music Monday post. I know that I have posted songs by this group so many times before, but they are just amazing. I am so excited about their first full album release February 1st. So sit back and enjoy Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars while I work on a new post for you guys.

My Doctor Should Have Been Billy Mays

2010-12-08T18:30:00.003-06:00

This morning when I woke up, before my feet even hit the floor, I knew something was wrong. My head felt as heavy as Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife's boobs. My body was as stiff as Anna Nicole Smith's (bad joke I know but I don't care). My nose was running like Billy Mays' after a coke binge. My temperature high as.....ok I have no catchy saying for this but let's just say I was in no shape to go to work.

I spent the morning trying to come up with ways to breathe without sounding like a hippo that couldn't catch its breath. I slept. Slept some more. I took a dose of something fabulous that made me loopy and I slept some more.

By about 2 p.m. I decided a trip to Urgent Care was in my future. I might as well go today rather than miss more work tomorrow going. When I arrived at Urgent Care I realized there would be nothing urgent or caring about my visit. I called my regular doctor's office and holy crap they could see me right then!

I arrived at the doctor's office and within a matter of minutes my name was being called. WOOHOO. DRUGS COME TO MOMMA! A few minutes later the doctor came in and decided he would test me for everything under the sun. Results: flu-negative, bronchitis-negative, bird flu-negative, South American ostrich appendicitis-negative. Hmmmmm.

After all the results he decides to ask a few more questions and delve deeper into my psyche. Until now I thought my psyche was only full of things like cheesy crab, chocolate milk and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Apparently, not so much. Within 15 minutes I was crying. I don't cry in front of people but I have cried in front of this doctor at least 3 times. I consider it my own personal way of making him as uncomfortable as possible.

After a few "mmhmm's" and just as many "I totally understands" we had a diagnosis. A horrible case of "the crud" and....wait for it.....wait for it..... depression. WTC!!!!

Anyway, without going into too many details, I got a shot in the butt (now my butt is depressed too), some awesome cough medicine and a speech about my happiness mattering just as much as anyone elses, oh and apparently a scrip for some happy pills but I prefer to hit up Billy Mays dealer. Mays was freaking happy and JUST FOR $19.95.

Neon Trees - Animal

2010-12-06T18:54:00.002-06:00

This past week I had a boy to totally flip the script on me. He went from being a jerk face, who was interested in nothing but friends with benefits to....well.....I don't know. He is being the sweetest and inviting me to all sort of events that before we would have NEVER gone to together. I promise to have more on this later but for now lets take a look at our Music Monday song.

I have heard this song a million times on commercials for, I think, some cruise line. Every time I heard it I wanted to blow up the television. Saturday, I had just left Walmart when it came on the radio. Right as I was about to turn the station I heard the first line: "Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends". Ummm HELLO!!!!!!! This is exactly what was going on between The Boy and I. We have been going through this for about nine years and at that exact moment I had no idea what he wanted anymore. So here ya go. Enjoy!!!

I Farted on Santa

2010-12-02T09:36:00.001-06:00

I realize I am a little late for music Monday, but you guys need to hear this. I despise Christmas music but this is a must hear.

Hinder - Lips of an Angel

2010-11-22T13:45:00.003-06:00

I realize that this song was played to it's death a few years back. Every time you turned on the radio there it was again and again. I honestly had let this tune fall way back into the caverns of my mind. Last night I heard it and it brought back so many memories. This song always makes me think of a certain someone. Honestly, lately it doesn't take much to bring up a memory of him.

P.S. Anyone else wanna hold this dude down and wash his hair?

Sharks and Ninja Turtles

2010-11-21T17:43:00.002-06:00

I would like to take a moment and share with you what I believe is one of the most awesome conversations I have ever been a part of. Keep in mind The Redheaded Wonder is 4 years old. She calls me Mimi.

Redheaded Wonder: Ok, so it lives in the zoo. It stands on one leg (she draws her leg up as if she were only standing on one, she’s sitting) and it’s pink.

Me: Umm a Ninja Turtle (I’ve had an odd fascination with the Ninja Turtles lately).

RW: Giving me a look like I had just asked her to recite Pi. Umm no. Mom your turn.

This wonderful game continues for awhile with me of course saying all the wrong answers.

RW: Okay Mimi, I’m going to give you an easy one. It lives in the zoo (apparently everything lives in the zoo). It‘s white and has black stripes.

Me: Ummm a rhinoceros.

RW: No Mimi. It starts with a ZZZZZ sound.

Me: Hmmm…..OHH I know a Znake.

RW: Mimi, you should really go back to school.

Me: Okay, I am going to give you one. It lives in the sewer….

RW: before I can even finish my sentence she throws her hands in the air and says….. A SHARK!!!!!!

Me: YES!!!!!!

I am a great educational resource. Ya know, I was going for a Ninja Turtle but she said shark with so much enthusiasm that it couldn’t have been anything else.

Lady Antebellum - Biscuits and Gravy

2010-11-16T08:55:00.002-06:00

So this is not an ACTUAL song but its a spoof done by Lady A. I ran across it last night and could NOT stop laughing. Any song that talks about Waffle House hashbrowns has my vote. Enjoy!

Pink-Trouble

2010-11-07T17:37:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I decided to broaden my horizons. I wanted to become more culturally diverse by watching a movie that would enlighten me and also make me have deep thoughts regarding my place in this world and bringing me closer to being the person I wanted to be. I sat back and popped Toy Story 3 into the DVD player.

I usually don't watch previews but while looking for the remote I heard this song playing and immediately had to stop to look at the preview. The preview was for the movie Tangled. I think it's something like Rapunzel or something but holy crap there is an animated children's movie with a Pink song!

I had actually forgotten how much I love love love this song. Considering that I have four different people in my life that call me Trouble on a regular basis, maybe I should make this my theme song. Everyone should have their own theme song, right?

Dove Chocolate Gnomes

2010-11-03T13:19:00.003-05:00

I have had a rough few weeks. Work drama, friend drama, adventures in online dating (oh yes I did and oh holy crap do I have stories to tell) and the fact that turning 30 is really bugging me; lead me down a rough aisle today. The aisle in Walmart with Dove Chocolate Promises.

When you first approach its like sunshine and rainbows. Suddenly, you hear voices. Sweet, beautiful, cherub voices calling your name. You pick up a bag of the sweet treats. You think it over and realize it's not such a good idea for your waistline. You try to put the bag back. Everything goes black. You wake up in your car with TWO bags. The demonized Dove Chocolate Gnomes strike again! What? Don't believe me? Look it up. I think they live next door to the Underpants Gnomes (give it up for a South Park reference).

When I got home I decided I would limit myself to two of the delicious dark chocolate pieces of heaven. On my fourth one....hey, they are dark chocolate so they are good for my heart, liver or pancreas or something. ANYWAY, on my fourth one I totally had a "the calls are coming from inside the house" moment.

"Learn to say I love you in a different language"

Dude, it was like Gandhi had spoken directly to me. Well, you know if Gandhi was covered in foil and tiny little flakes of chocolate that I lick off. Okay, so maybe its not Gandhi but holy cow!

I can't say 'I love you' in English!! Yes, I say it to my nieces and nephews but that's it! It feels awkward to me. Also, as a side note it's awkward to BE me, but I digress.

I said it in my last relationship but honestly I felt icky and like I needed a shower after I said it. Did I mean it? No. Did I want to mean it? Umm kinda. I don't know.

I say it in emails to friends ( I do mean it). Just saying those words O-to-the-M-to-the-G, I need a vomit bag.

Think the Dove Chocolate Gnomes teach a class on saying 'I love you'?

P.S. This rambling post is brought to you by Decadron and the letters S and H for Sinus Hell.

Halloween Safety Precautions

2010-10-30T15:15:00.003-05:00

Every year at this time I like to give a few Halloween safety tips. I feel like it is my duty to make this public service announcement so that I can hopefully help as many children as possible.

1.) Wear all black clothes. It makes hiding in the bushes and amongst trees easier. It will help when shaking down other children for their candy.

2.) Carry an extra bag full of raw eggs. When someone gives you crappy candy aim for their door. Also, if you can leave a few hidden close to their door it will make for a nice surprise in a few days.

3.) Take a few extra costumes. Hit every house at least twice.

4.) If trunk or treating, look for cars with keys in the ignition. Sneak inside car and drive away. You, my friend, have bagged yourself the ultimate treat.

5.) Always make sure that your costume is made of flame retardant material. To test this put your costume on your younger brother or sister and light it up. If it goes up in flames that just means more candy for you and a new costume.

Happy Halloween!

Maroon 5 - Misery

2010-10-24T16:32:00.003-05:00

I love love love music videos that are totally not what you expect. This video definitely fits that category! Enjoy!

P.S. Any video that has a woman firing a rocket launcher, well..I'm pro that too.

The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow, Maybe

2010-10-20T20:57:00.003-05:00

Most people think that being single is great. No children to worry about, you can do what you want to do, spend your money on whatever you want to, and everything is sunshine and rainbows.

Sometimes sunshine and rainbows turns into tears and fears and your friends all have children and husbands. You call them on the phone for just a word of encouragement and to talk about the scary stuff but you end up listening to the cries for "mommy" and stories of childhood drama. You end up alone and sobbing, the fears still hidden in the deep caverns of your mind. You find yourself laying in the dark, tears streaming down your face, praying for the dawn.

Paris-Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

2010-10-17T19:36:00.004-05:00

All I can really say about this is WOW! I love love love GPN and this is possibly my favorite song of theirs. Plus, this video has some KILLER Jesus hair and 70's awkward mustaches.

Faking It

2010-10-16T16:42:00.004-05:00

Today has been a day of magazines, books, nintendo DS and napping. I have returned only the texts and calls necessary (very very few) and have only gotten out of bed to refill my glass of water or sprint to the potty ( I lay there till the last minute possible. My future is in Depends ads I tell ya.).

I ate cold pizza for breakfast and spaghetti-o's for lunch. I know, it's as sad as I feel. Why am I so sad? I don't know. A funk? To many people asking what happened with him? Feeling less than worthless? Either way I'm ready for it to be done.

Tonight I shall go out and eat, drink and be merry with The Tribe. Will I really be merry? Probably not, but I sure as hell am a firm believer in 'fake it till you make it'.

Mrs. Lily White Burns Down the House

2010-10-11T18:27:00.003-05:00

I have a friend who is in the process of building a house. Now I have never had any experience in this but it seems to be a fairly stressful process. When all of this first started she was very happy and excited. Now...well....there are days I think a divorce is eminent. There is carpet, cabinets and tile to pick out and good gracious don't even bring up the subject of doors.

Today I saw this video and could not help but think about my friend. Yes, this video is about a relationship falling apart but still I believe some days that Mrs. Lily White would burn this sucker down.

Molting

2010-10-06T21:28:00.003-05:00

I love accessories. Anything cute, sparkly or unique has my eye. Yesterday morning I was getting ready for work when I noticed that my sparkly drawer wasn't as full as it should be. Hmmm?

This morning while working I looked down and noticed that it was only 9 A.M. and I had already taken my jewelry off. While I like wearing it, typing with all the bling drives me crazy. Later on I opened my desk drawer and noticed something. I removed pieces of bling from desk until I had this layed out in front of me

I think I have a molting problem. What do you think?

I Run for Life- Melissa Etheridge

2010-10-02T19:27:00.005-05:00

As many of you know mine and my family's lives have been greatly touched by cancer. Cancer sucks! There is no better way to say it.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and Domestic Violence Awareness month, another thing that I unfortunately know way to much about from a personal perspective.

Today's song is I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge. I LOVE THIS. When it comes on my ipod I crank it loud and think about all the women AND men effected by not only breast cancer (men can have it too) but all types of cancer. I hope you enjoy this song and also, remember that the American Cancer Society and the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation are two great groups working to help find a cure. I know there are others out there, but these are the two that I have worked with and really enjoyed.

Dust Bunnies, Goblins and Richard Simmons

2010-09-30T23:01:00.004-05:00

At work we have a supply closet that sometimes gets a little scary. Scary as in I am sure that one day I will open the door and find goblins or Richard Simmons.

A couple of weeks ago I entered the 'danger zone'. I was in search of....well....I don't remember what I was in search of, but it's safe to say it was either pink highlighters or binder clips as I have an addiction to both.

Now to get into the closet I kinda had to open the door as far as I could (Not far. I think I heard Richard Simmons scream when I hit his vagina with the doorknob.), then stick one leg in, lean the rest of my body in, grab hold of the shelf and leap to the inside. Needless to say, fat girls should never leap.

Once inside I searched the shelves for the items needed, fed the goblins and helped Simmons glue some more sparkles on his panties.

Okay, so once in you would think getting out would be a breeze. Ha! Have you met Miss Graceful here?

So I grab the door preparing for my whole lean with it, rock with it bit . Fat girl propels herself forward as if she is one of the lords a leaping in the 12 Days of Christmas and BAM!

Have you ever seen a fat chick in a skirt, butt end in a mail crate? Trust me it is as horrifying as it sounds.

Two things: 1) Is my butt as wide as a mail crate? Wider. But with that much force coming at her she screamed and widened herself out. 2.) How did I get out? Well, when I went down my cha cha flashed Simmons. It was his first sighting other than his own. He passed out and I used his lifeless body as a step-stool to push myself up and out. Or, you know, grease and a crow bar.

The mail crate? She had lived a happy life. I bet she never expected to die by butt though.

1985 Bowling For Soup

2010-09-26T09:31:00.005-05:00

I have a friend who knows all there is to know about the 80's. She knows the John Hughes trilogy by heart. She had the big hair, short skirts and wild make-up. She once had a plan to seduce the guys of Poison and get chosen to go backstage. She was successful thanks to her padded bra, red press on nails, fishnets and heels. When I think of the 80's I think of the Cupcake Slayer.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is happy with her life now. She has two beautiful girls and a husband that she loves beyond measure. No, she's not still preoccupied with the 80's like the woman in this song but I still can't help but think that she would like to shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car.

So to you Cupcake Slayer:

Florence+The Machine

2010-09-21T17:07:00.002-05:00

I know there have been several people talk about how this performance was just awkward and weird but her performance at the VMA's totally rocked my socks off. The video here is not the VMA performance (you know lawyers, copyrights and total douche bags won't allow it). My advice is if you aren't up for weirdness, just listen to this with your eyes closed. This video is SUPER weird, but in my opinion this chick has an amazing voice.

If I Die Young

2010-09-11T15:03:00.004-05:00

On Mondays I am going to start posting music and videos that I really like at the moment. If you don't like my taste in music just stick around, it will change in a few weeks. I pretty much like EVERYTHING so you are bound to eventually find something you like.

I promise to post no videos of me dancing. It would look a lot like this:

So this is my favorite song right now. I know that it is depressing but there is just something I love about it. Enjoy!.

Romeo and Juliet

2010-09-10T07:52:00.003-05:00

He was my Romeo and I was his slightly overweight, Wal-mart brand Juliet. And while one of us was hiding a big deep dark secret, I have no doubt we loved each other. I still do love him actually.

For almost five years I fell deeper and deeper in love with someone I knew I would never have anything 'real' with. The saddest part is I let him do the same, but he had no idea it could never be.

A few days ago, my ipod started playing this song (The song in this clip starts at about the one minute mark):

I bet I played this fifty times that day. It's a song he had sent me a few years ago. I think it means more to me now than it ever did.

Valentine's day last year I stopped playing Juliet. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When it ended I thought it would be easy to move on, but it wasn't. We promised to be friends but I knew we wouldn't.

It was hot, passionate, powerful, sweet and wonderful while it lasted. While I regret both of our situations, I don't regret loving him.

We still e-mail on occasion. It's just general pleasantries but I know he would have my back in a minute if I needed him and I would do the same for him.

Romeo, never doubt that I really loved/love you. You are a wonderful man that I will never forget. You held me, loved me, listened to me and let me cry on your shoulder. I am grateful to you for so many things.

Love, Your Wal-mart brand Juliet

I'm a Sucker For

2010-08-17T12:26:00.002-05:00

Yes, I realize I have done this before but hey everyone should have a list of the little things that make you smile.

1.) Bright pink highlighters.

2.) Dove dark chocolate promises.

3.) Baby giggles. Just make sure you keep those little suckers to your self.

4.) The beach.

5.) Lined notebooks. (I have a little addiction.)

6.) Ice coffee

7.) Cute flip flops.

8.) Art in pretty much any form.

9.) Funky colored nail polish.

10.) Good friends and good laughs.

Thoughts while being Fitted for my Pope Hat

2010-08-11T13:26:00.002-05:00

I got married. I smoke pot. I'm pregnant. I'm quitting my job. I'm a lesbian. I'm getting a divorce. I have a terminal illness that no one knows about. I had an affair. I'm filing for bankruptcy. I have a drug problem . I have a child that no one knows about. I hear voices. I tried to kill myself. I had an abortion. I had a condom get lost 'in there'.

My entire life people have told me their secrets. I don't know why. I've never really thought about it until recently. Everyday a new secret. You would think it would only be close friends, but sadly no. Doctor's offices, Walmart, church, waitress' while I'm out to dinner; all places people confess their inner thoughts or secrets to me.

Do I mind? No, not at all. I'm not the type of person that runs and tells other people's business. My only problem is, does anyone know where I can get a portable confession booth?

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Part II

2010-07-28T12:26:00.002-05:00

When last we left our chunky heroine, she had a rather persistent man begging her to come to bed. She was torn between a rock and a hard place (pun intended).

Will she cheat on The Gingerman? Will she pull the covers over her head and swear to be the crazy cat lady forever? Will she go to TRC's house and pull a Lorena Bobbitt?

Let's find out:

Me: And you promise to not let me be late for work?

TRC: I promise. Scout's honor.

Me: ...Well.......I just don't think I should.

TRC: You know it would just be two friends hanging out. Nothing has to happen.

Me: *Silence*

TRC: Well...

Me: No. I just can't.

TRC: Okay. That's cool.

After sending my "goodnight" message, I couldn't get the possibilities out of my head. What if we could have one night and just be two friends hanging out? Can't men and women just be friends? I'm alone, I'm upset and need a friend.

I jump out of bed. I throw on my jeans. Brush my teeth. Grab my keys. In less than ten minutes I am out the door.

Twenty minutes later I am parked across from his house. I can't bring myself to pull in the driveway. We've been up and down so many times in the past. Do I really want to open myself to this kind of yo-yo effect again? And then, like a mallet to my chest, that night so long ago and his words come rushing back.

"You're nothing to consider"

Twenty minutes later I was home. My heart, safe.

Taking Out the Garbage

2010-07-12T12:41:00.000-05:00

As I sat down to write I realized that I just have way too much on my mind. So, I am going to dump it all right here. It's going to be short and sweet and I'm not going to elaborate on any one thing unless someone asks. So, buckle your seat belt . Here goes!

I feel totally left out. What are his motives? Does she realize how she treats me? Am I just his crutch? Will I ever be able to finish college? Money. Am I going to be alone forever? Will I ever have the motivation to lose the weight? Will things with us ever go back to at least semi-normal? Am I good enough? Does it matter? Does he care? Is the cancer going to come back? Does what I do matter? Will he ever understand?

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby

2010-07-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

I think I have a chip planted in my brain. I believe the receptor on that chip is attached to TRC's computer. I am fairly certain this chip must send him a text or an email when I have forgotten he exists. Screw you Steve Jobs, your futuristic technology and the robot you rode in on.

It started a few weeks ago. Just a "Hey, how are you?" texts and then he would be gone for another 24 to 48 hours. Then last week I got the standard "Hey, you wanna ride over?" After waiting for my reply for about 30 minutes he then says "Well, I guess not." Really, there boy genius? It took you 30 minutes to figure that one out? Hmm, slow would be a compliment.

Anyway, last night after a few unsettling texts with the Gingerman, TRC sends me a text and boy is it a nuclear warhead: "Why don't you come over? I could use the company and I'll set the alarm for in the morning".

Do we have a nuclear fall out shelter in the area? Cause he dropped the bomb on me for sure.

Me: And you promise to not let me be late for work?

TRC: I promise. Scouts honor.

To Be Continued...........

Make Arrangements

2010-07-01T13:49:00.000-05:00

Me: I think I have consumption an I'm going to die in a heap of rags all dramatic like.

The Midget: I sincerely do not want you to shuffle off this mortal coil. But I know that if you did, it would totally be the best death EVER.

Me: I intend for there to be PLENTY of weeping and wailing. And maybe string instruments.

The Midget: I will tear my clothes asunder in utter, inconsolable grief.

Me: Awesome. I'll put you in the program. I need someone to gnash their teeth, too. Maybe The Cupcake Slayer? Just make sure to pay her by giving her dibs on all my stuff.

The Midget: Good thinking. Do you want us to serve red, white, or blush?

Me: Whatever goes best with pizza rolls.

Sweet Dreams are Made of These

2010-06-22T14:29:00.000-05:00

The universe has had me at a break-neck pace for a few years now. I won't go in to all of the details (most of you already know) but let's just agree I needed time to take a step back and catch my breath.

A few weeks ago, Mr. Boombastick gifted me with Season 1 of Criminal Minds. I don't think he understands that when I said, "wow, thanks!" I meant, "OMG, this is freakin' awesome. Now go away. I'm gonna need some alone time." I really can't help getting all hot-n-bothered over that gorgeous, funny, gun carryin', blacked out SUV drivin' Agent Morgan.

I spent an entire Sunday reclined (getting up only for more Captain Crunch) with the very handsome, dark, sculpted F.B.I agent

I guess we did dodge a bunch of bullets and go running at least twice an episode, but imaginary exercise never counts.

Ordinarily, days in which I do not leave my house make me feel guilty and like I'm unwittingly suffering from borderline personality disorder. But when I have a goal.....say of watching an entire first season, it's not wasted. It's a study in behavioral analysis, damn it. And it's clearly what the baby Jesus meant for his day of rest.

You know, except for the dirty thoughts of Shemar Moore.

A List

2010-05-20T07:46:00.000-05:00

In honor of my dear friend, Miss Runs on Coffee's, last few days as a member of the Crusty Cresties (that's what we call our little crew at work) I present to you:

A List of Little Known "Facts" About Miss Runs on Coffee:

She once tasered Chuck Norris. He then pissed his pants causing the Dec 26th 2004 tsunami.
MROC is the co-founder of "Hey, is this shit flammable" and also "Hey, where's the damn fire extinguisher".
She was once jailed for attacking and kidnapping an entire bus of Australian men and one Jasper fireman.
While on her way to buy a pack of cigs she once stopped to help a man change a tire on his Ford. After changing said tire she took his keys away and informed him, "Once you grow a pair and can change your own damn tire then you can have your keys back. And pull your pants up your panties are showin'".
She was co-chairman of "Hey let's TP our boss' office". Then oversaw the clean-up of "OMG, where did this TP come from. This crap stinks".
She once fought a pack of rabid ninjas for a peanut butter pie. The ninjas have never been heard from again.
For several months she accosted her boss by throwing bananas in her yard. The husband of said boss became so distraught and mentally incapacitated he grew what appeared to be Chewbacca on his face.
She once destroyed two whole blocks by setting off a grenade to kill one wasp. The wasp's family was later questioned and would only mumble the word "Hitler".
She once threatened to "cut a man" over a large order of cheese fries. Upon being questioned the man said " She had this look in her eye that said ' I will cut you and eat cheese fries over your cold dead body'." The man has never been heard from again and is believed to be in a witness protection program.
She made me miss her before she was even gone. Cry knowing she was leaving. And smile knowing she is my friend.

Skanks and Bobsled Teams

2010-05-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

Okay if you all could indulge me for just a second, I need to have a talk with Kate Gosselin.

Dear Skanky Kate:

It is no secret around here that I am one of your biggest fans. (Please note the sarcasm). This whole Dancing with the STARS thing has really gotten on my nerves. Now I know that most of the "stars" on this show are majorly B list but you! YOU!!!! You aren't even on the list.

Kate, here are a list of things that you are famous for. You tell me if this qualifies as celebrity status:

You gave birth to two bobsled teams or just one baseball team. Either way it makes you famous cause your parts work. Well la ti freakin' da.
You had a backwards mullet, ON PURPOSE! Listen here in the south it's business in the front and party in the back. I don't know what hairdresser you pissed off but party on the side and business on the other side and flock of seagulls in the back is not how anyone should roll. Well, unless they are rolling straight up out the mental ward.
You flip out on your husband, children, dance partner, paparazzi, dog, cousin, uncle, aunt....Sorry this list could take a while so maybe I should just say you go crazy on everyone.
You apparently screwed your bodyguard. Umm A) Why do you have a bodyguard? Is it to protect you from your own children because seriously no one is coming within miles of the F-ullet ( f'd up mullet)? B) He was probably the last man who would want to come within 50 miles of your cha cha and you screwed it up. And word is that now you are chasing the Hof. Seriously Kate? The Hof? He is one drunken, hamburger eating fiasco away from molesting a dog and you want a piece of that?

I sit here and I read back through and think about your life and all I can think is, are you sure you and Britney Spears aren't related? Maybe you should see if you could setup a play date between all the kids. God knows it would be better on them to meet now rather than in some therapist office in a few years.

When I Grow Up

2010-05-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

When I grow up I want to be the type of person who:

1.) Can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner without breaking a sweat.

2.) Handles all the bad stuff as gracefully as everyone thinks I should.

3.) Finally loves myself.

4.) Is much less familiar with all that happens on TMZ.

5.) Can handle being a fiancee' then wife. Maybe a mother, but don't push it.

6.) Owns a sewing machine and can use it.

7.) Is creative and crafty.

8.) Can make a list like this and doesn't have to come up with BS just to make sure there is an even # on the list because I am just a tad OCD.

9.) Can chew gum and walk at the same time without the assistance of an ambulance.

10.) Has a recipe that all her family and friends just love. You know besides my awesome weed brownies.

This Post Brought to You by the Letter S for Syphilis

2010-04-30T08:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes the conversations at work get a little interesting to say the least.

Exhibit A:
Miss Runs on Coffee: What is a friendly disease?

Me: An STD.

Miss Runs on Coffee: Yeah, I was thinking syphilis.

Me: People tend to be "friendly" while they are getting it.

Mrs. Independent: Can you get it from facebook?

Me: Possibly, but all of myspace is definitely one big STD.

Exhibit B:
Me: Okay here are the bubbles and the balls for the relay bags.

Mrs. Lilly White: (look of horror while trying to hide the fact that she was laughing uncontrollably)

Me: What?!? That's how I roll.

Mrs. Lilly White: (still more uncontrollable laughter)

Me: Okay, so if we run out of balls then we will just have children with no balls.

Mrs. Lilly White: (nothing was really said just more laughter and I am fairly certain she almost peed her pants)

Pull My Finger

2010-03-31T15:01:00.000-05:00

As "He Who Has No Name" and I were sitting on my couch.....BTW I always want to spell couch as coach and if I were posting about sitting on my "coach" this would be a totally different site. Tangent end. So we are sitting on my COUCH when he says, "Hey look".

Now I have known this man for about 11 years so my first thought was 'No I will not pull your finger'.

When I look over he is holding his phone up with a picture on it. At first glance I didn't realize who it was. Melissa Etheridge? Chaz Bono? Ellen Degeneres? Ryan Seacrest? Oh, wait that's Rickey Martin. Then I read the title of the article Ricky Martin Announces To Internet He is Gay! Umm....Yahoo! say what?

Seriously, I thought we had established this at least five years ago. It was like if Richard Simmons had hosted a press conference to announce he was coming out of his glittery, spandex filled closet. Or Salt Lake City suddenly announcing there are polygamist living within their kinky borders. Somethings just don't have to be said...again.

The Civil Wars

2010-03-19T13:23:00.000-05:00

In lieu of an actual post here is a song from a group that I am IN LOVE with!!!!!!!! If you go back to some of my older posts you can see their video Poison and Wine. Words cannot describe.

29 Things

2010-03-12T12:49:00.000-06:00

I started this list by writing "28 Things" at the top and then realized "holy crap I'm not 28 anymore".
I would love to open my own business but have only told one other person.
The phrase "mac n' cheese" makes my brain want to explode. Just say macaroni. How much time does it take to say MAC-A-RONI?
The word moist makes me feel icky.
I am fairly certain that I will never get married and that makes me a little sad.
I think I would be a kick ass contestant on big brother.
I can eat tomatoes as long as I don't have to see them. If I see them all bets are off and my stomach may start a revolt.
I once had carolers come to my house and when they were finished singing I said, "Umm...yeah...okay" and shut the door. Apparently, that was not the response they wanted.
I would love to write a book but am sure that it will never happen. Besides, what do I have to say that is so interesting?
When I was little I thought that I was adopted because my brother said that I was.
I cry if I see a funeral procession.
I HATE live CD's. I don't want to hear people screaming things like "I want you now Willie Nelson".
I don't listen to or want Willie Nelson.
I can't watch those commercials for toenail or cat claw clippers. They make me cringe and want to hurl.
I once told a doctor that my testicles were swollen. I meant tonsils. He still asks about it when I see him.
I like frozen coke. I like to put half cherry and half coke. The cherry has to be on the bottom though, cause if I see the cherry it freaks me out.
I will only go in the ocean up to my knees. There are SHARKS in there people!!!!
I get embarrassed very easy.
I once had my panties fall down while I was walking through Winn-Dixie. I was wearing a skirt.
I've never seen Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or pretty much any other popular movie.
I could be an awesome vegetarian, except for the fact I love chicken.
When I am stressed my right eye twitches.
I sometimes have the humor of a 13 year old boy, I'm okay with that.
I fight crime from my office with Mrs. Lilly White and F-Bomb.
I have a cat named Marmalade. I commonly refer to her as Marmalade Pork Chop Wisdom.
Bookstores make me want to take my shoes off. Maybe I feel at home. Maybe I'm just "special".
I have never eaten a girl scout cookie.
Escalators totally freak me out. I do okay going up but coming down is what's bad.
I am a pretty good speller but if someone spells something to me out loud it's seriously like my brain shuts down and I'm like wait "d-r-i-v-e-t-h-r-u....d-r-i..okay drive. T-h-...I don't get it."

Unsaid

2010-02-26T07:24:00.000-06:00

Back when I had my blog on MySpace, I wrote a blog that REALLY got things stirred up. I simply took things that I wanted to say to 10 people and wrote it out but never put who it was about. For days I had people guessing but being true to what I believe in I NEVER told what message belonged to who. So, that being said, are you ready for another round? Here we go:

Drama Queen! Good gracious you need to slow your role! Everything is the end of the world to you. I'm sorry but crap happens so move along. Also, you are a liar and that craps not cool. Grow up and put on your big girl panties.
I am learning more and more how alike we are. It's awesome! You have changed since we first met but I feel like even you would agree that it's a good thing. You are funny, thought provoking and genuine. You have your own opinions and would face 10 buzz saws to stand up for what you believe in. You Ma'am are the bees' knees.
You are harsh and someone to be handled with caution. I (nor most people I know) really ever know where they stand with you. You are jealous of anyone who might do something better than you. You show that jealousy in anger and immaturity. I really believe you are a good person at heart, just don't stab me in the back.
You. You, I don't even know where to begin. The circumstances are not good. The situation is worse, but somehow you are hanging in there. You have stuck with me through thick and thin. You've been in my life for years now and I never suspected things would lead to where they have. I don't know if it will work out, but I am willing to keep working at it. You keep telling me you love me even though you know I don't believe it. You sir, I hope you stick around.
Whine. Whine. Whine. Nag. Nag. Nag. It's annoying so stop.
You are awesome. I don't think you get told enough just how good of a kid you are. You are smart, athletic and hilarious. I am proud of you, always know that.
Why are you back? Why are you texting me again? No one yanked your chain so please move along with the other strays.
You are ridiculous. You have all of these dreams and aspirations and yet you do nothing about them. You can be a real $itch sometimes. You are fairly capable so how about showing it sometime.
Yes, I think you are an idiot.
You are like an A.D.D. person on speed. I feel like I am trying to corral 20 two year olds when you are around. You make me nervous and stress me out. Chillax or I might be forced to start slipping you meds.

Valentine's and Banjo Music

2010-02-18T13:40:00.000-06:00

What's your go-to line when approached by someone you have no interest in dating? If you are anything like me it varies according to what the guy looks like. Small to medium build, normal looking guy: "I'm in a relationship". Big but normal looking guy: "I'm married....to a cop". The guy who asked me "TO BE HIS VALENTINE" (yes, those were his words) Saturday: "I'm married to an assassin who works as a ninja on the weekends and he's actually here, he's just being stealthy. Oh, and the last guy that talked to me was never seen or heard from again. Well, unless you count his tooth which my husband used to kill a great white shark in just one blow".

Big 'Un was at LEAST 6'9 and a good 350. Is that a problem? No, I like big guys. The problem was his trucker cap that accentuated the, what appeared to be, blood-stained overalls. His brown (may have actually been white in a former life) t-shirt went with his boots that were covered in what I am hoping was mud. With all of that you would think I would have been distracted from his face, but how do you miss a tear drop tattoo?

Okay lets pause right here so that you can all get a mental picture of what this fine specimen looked like. Nauseous?

Was I out in the fields when I met this man? No. Was I at a cow auction? Nope. I was out eating breakfast with my dad. Luckily, dad had gotten up from the table before Big 'Un decided to make his move.

His move you ask? Oh, why it was one of the best! He writes his number on a napkin, brings it to me and says "You's lookin' for a valentine, Sweetie?" I promise you my mouth fell open and I was silent so long I was certain he thought I was deaf, which would have been fine with me. My genius response, "Uh..umm..uh ..it's against my religion."

As Big 'Un stands there looking like I have just told him to figure out the square root of the number of teeth he has, I quickly gathered my purse and my phone and set the new world record for speed walking. I am almost out the door when I hear Big 'Un talking to the girl in the next booth, "You's lookin for a valentine, Sweetie?"

I give him one thing, he was persistent. Wish I could have said the same thing for his deodorant.

Cynicism: The Latest Fashion Accessory

2010-02-09T20:38:00.000-06:00

I haven't really had time to blog this week, but I was looking through some of my old MySpace blogs and found this little ditty. It's raw. It's harsh. But it's me. It's the way I felt then and the way I still feel today.

First of all, I have no idea how to put into words exactly what I want to say. Secondly, I can't believe that I am about to post a blog about this.

I know that to many of you I have said things such as, " I don't want to date again. I'm not ready to date again" or my personal favorite "all men are idiots", but the truth is I really do want to try again. Hi there Masochist, I have missed you oh so very much! The problem is that no one wants to date me.

In the past month I have had friends and co-workers who have wanted to set me up. Timidly, I told them they could pass along my e-mail or cell phone number. I have talked to four different guys, three of which I really enjoyed talking to. Then of course comes the "Hey e-mail me a picture" moment that I HATE. So three times I e-mailed my picture. Once, I never heard back from the guy and twice I heard varying versions of " I don't think you are my type."

I should be used to it by now. I grew up dealing with it my entire life. No one wants to be around the girl with the ugly smile.

Yes, I have a weight problem, that one is my fault. The teeth, well god did that. I had no control.

I know most of you are thinking that I should just have it fixed but I can't afford it. Now that I am older it's just going to cost more than if my parents had had it done.

In the society we live today no one cares about how good of a person you are. Today people care about how stick thin you are, the amount of money you have, and the type of car you drive. How cynical have we become?

Mr. Potato Head: The New Generation

2010-02-02T22:50:00.000-06:00

Get ready ladies, tonight I have had an epiphany. Tonight I have came up with the best invention EVER. Something that will change the dating scene FOREVER. Build-a-beau.com. (Company name by SAHMx2, cause she totally rocks the juice box).

Tonight while eating pizza and chit chatting I looked up to see SAHMx2's daughter playing a game on the computer. You start out with a blank face and then you get to click and add all of the facial features however you like them. That is when the epiphany hit.

Can you imagine just being able to log on, start with a blank slate and then after a few clicks TADA? Want a man with blue eyes? Click. Want a man with a killer personality but isn't an actual serial killer? Click. Click. Want a man with a big...nose? Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. The possibilities are endless!!

When you are all finished just click print and TADA. He is brand new. Untouched. No baggage. Still has that new man smell!!! Can I get an AMEN??? (and a small business loan)

The New Look

2010-02-01T10:34:00.000-06:00

Come on in, sit back and relax a spell. I threw a new coat of paint on the walls and straightened up a bit. I think it's a lot better than the dark and depressing look I had going on before. There are still a few things I am going to do, but for now enjoy the scenary. Thanks guys. Oh and for your entertainment:

WWMPD

2010-01-26T15:15:00.000-06:00

Today has been one of "those" days. A day where stupidity has abounded but duct tape for mouths has not. A day where lessons should have been learned, but in fact were not.

As the afternoon has progressed things have gotten a little better. No longer do I feel like my anthem should be WWMPD. (For those who don't know WWMPD stands for What Would Miss Piggy Do? And I think she would be giving out karate-esque chops!) This afternoon I feel like a great improvement has been made. I have went from angry karate chops to angry Pink music while eating brownies. Yep, the future is so bright I gotta wear shades

Comments

2010-01-20T10:10:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my friend, The Drug Dealer, you can now leave comments. I had no idea that I had them blocked. Anyway, I went in and solved the problem. You can leave them with your name (you can skip the URL part) or anonymously. Thanks guys!

Amazing Song

2010-01-15T14:13:00.000-06:00

Detached Balls and Bikini Waxes

2010-01-14T08:56:00.000-06:00

It feels like my world has been turned upside down, shook like a snow globe then peed on by a Great Dane. There have been so many things happen lately. I should have enough posts for a year! Today though, I guess I will just start with the latest.

A few nights ago, when all the bra colors were going around on facebook, things came to a crashing halt in my life. Three words on his FB comments and not the three you want to hear. “ You’re his wife….”. Those words hung like a raging storm cloud in front of me. His wife!

The man who for months now had told me how much he loved me. Had led me back to where I knew I didn’t belong. Led me to feeling love for him all over again. Told me all of the things he knew I would want to hear. We talked about of marriage, children, buying a home. A home that HE said he wanted my father to even be happy with so that he could live with us if he became too sick to live alone.

This man made an idiot out of me. I never, for this exact reason, talk about the men that I date. I don’t want to be THAT girl. The girl who finds out all the hopes she placed in a man are nothing but lies.

It stung. It was like getting a brazillian wax with duct tape.

This man, he knows me. He has been in my life for almost four years. So….To You, "J", you know I will make you have to face me. You know that I am not the type of girl who will just sit back with a box of Kleenex and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. As I write this I’m not only putting it in my blog, but I’ve got wifeys e-mail. She will be getting a copy of this and all of the texts and e-mails between you and I. I am sure the past few weeks of being married to you are about to take an interesting turn for her.

Run and hide mofo. Run and hide. Oh, and here’s hoping that you and your balls stay attached to one another because I really don’t see that happening.

Long Time Comin'

2010-01-06T15:55:00.001-06:00

I promise I haven't died. Life just sort of threw me for a loop. It threw me hard. I am gradually trying to get back in to the things I love to do which includes blogging. I promise to have an acutal new post before next week. I would promise sooner but my computer is sickly and with the Great Blizzard of 2010 on the way, I am not sure when it will make it to the doctor. Luvs!

Girl vs. Woman

2009-11-08T22:06:00.000-06:00

~I am a girl who plays my music really loud and dances in the car.

~I am a woman who loves to bake.

~I am a girl who dyes Easter eggs then leaves them on my best friend's doorstep and then blames it on the Easter bunny.

~I am a woman who is learning to crochet.

~I am a girl who plays with the makeup in Sephora till I look like a hooker.

~I am a woman who loves her friends and family with all of my heart.

~I am a girl who bites my nails and twists strands of my hair when I am nervous.

~I am a woman who loves to relax with a good book and a bubble bath.

~I am a girl who paints my nails weird colors just because.

~I am a woman who has way to many pairs of shoes.

~I am a girl who has a Nintendo DS and a Wii and loves them.

~I am a woman who doesn't slow down until way after the sun has gone down and everyone else is asleep.

~I am a girl who collects children's books.

~I am a woman who loves art and classical music.

~I am a girl who loves practical jokes.

~I am a woman who never wants to become so grown up that I forget to be a girl sometimes.

The Reason I'm Alone

2009-10-09T17:19:00.000-05:00

For those of you who follow me on facebook, this is the blog that I mentioned in my status a few days ago. I am really not sure how long ago I wrote this, but I will say it has probably been a year.

The Reasons I'm Okay Being Alone:

~ Once upon a time I was told I wasn't pretty enough so I avoid dating.

~ My libido doesn't itch much lately. And if it does I can scratch it myself , thank you very much.

~ I have a blackberry. It can keep me company anywhere I might be and if it gets on my nerves there is an off button.

~ I don't like having my heart broken.

~ I think I have passed my shelf date.

~ I don't want a bikini wax.

Halloween Safety

2009-10-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

As Halloween approaches I thought that I would take time to list a few safety rules for trick-or-treating. Safety first!

1.) Don't worry with a flashlight. It takes up to much room. You need your hands free to hold the eggs that will be thrown at old women who give out crackers and fruit.

2.) If your child's costume calls for a fake knife don't waste your money. Give them a real one. Who wants to be the parent with a wimpy kid? Be the parent that can say "My kid shanked your kid".

3.) If your child falls down a well use fish line and a paperclip to retrieve their goody bag. No one likes wet candy.

4.) Make sure to check your child's candy for razor blades, meth, weed, pipe, etc. Save these items for your own "treat bag". Momma doesn't share the good stuff.

5.) Do not stick to well lit, well known areas. The darker streets and alleys will provide for more treats as listen in #4.

6.) Once your child is home, ensure he/she knows the term "puking rally". All candy is to be consumed. Momma doesn't like a quitter.

2009-09-25T22:20:00.001-05:00

How to charm me: . Draw me a pirate picture in your cute 7 year old writing even though u have no idea who I am.

The Way We Deal

2009-08-25T11:27:00.000-05:00

As most of you know SAHMx2, Queen of Randomness and I have been friends for years. We are the best of friends and any one of us would fight ten buzz saws for the others. To be as close as we are we are so different in so many ways. But, when it comes down to how we actually handle stress and problems in our lives we are so alike its kinda scary. We handle it the same way: We don't discuss it until we absolutely have to. It's not like the other two don't know something is wrong it's just that we know if we discuss it there will be tears and emotions and really who has time for that in this day and age.

SAHMx2 will usually mention that something is bothering her but then make a light-hearted joke and move on to more important things like cleaning brownie batter out of her daughters hair or scrubbing toilets. You know, the important stuff. Then one day out of the blue she breaks a spoon and BAM!! she's crying about the spoon and we so know it's not really the spoon.

Q of R is a little different. Usually she will tell one of us what is going on but refuses to mention it to the other one. It's like she can't tell both of us in fear that it would make us both lopsided and at least one of us should stay sane at all times. When she does finally decide which one of us she is going to tell she will call crying so hard you can barley understand her, blurt what little details she is going to give you out so quick you have a hard time keeping up and then swear she really is fine and there is no need for any further discussion. The End!

Now to me. Well, the fact that I have stopped this post at least 20 times over the past year at this exact spot says more than my actual words ever could.

I am the one who backs away from every one else when it's all going south. My girls always know when I don't call, text or visit as much; I am not mad just taking time to keep my emotions in check. It's just how I'm wired I guess.

We all three have our quirks. It's not right. It's not wrong. It's just who we are and how we deal. Come Christmas when we have our little get together; we will eat a cheese ball, count our blessings to have one another in our lives and maybe just maybe talk about what is going on. Or you know, eat a little smokey wrapped in bacon, whatever is the easiest.

The Final Straw

2009-07-31T09:20:00.000-05:00

It has been weeks since it actually happened but I sent TRC packing. FOR GOOD!!!! I know, I know I have said it before and then months later I am all "OMG wait till you hear what TRC did now". This time it's SO. NOT. HAPPENING!!

There was no major incident that caused the final showdown. It was boredom more than anything. I seriously put no thought into it. One minute Miss Runs on Coffee and I were eating lunch and the next I was texting him to say that I was done.

TRC is a player. A smooth talker that will tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Also, he's an immature dog and he has cooties. (Okay, so maybe he doesn't have cooties but my 10 year old self is pretty pissed at him too.)

I think I really realized how horrible he was the day before my moms funeral. Queen of Randomness and I were in the mall buying my dad a jacket for the funeral when we ran into TRC. We exchanged pleasantries for a bit then as he was about to leave he turns around and says " So we're good right. I've seen you and don't have to come to that funeral home thing tonight right?"

I swear it felt like I stood and stared at him for days. This man who has claimed to be on of my best friends and sometimes more just rendered me speechless with his stupidity. I mean, whatever, just don't show up. I probably would have never noticed that he wasn't there, but WTH to stand there and say that was just....well....rude!

It bothered me but as usual, I kept my mouth shut and for over a year never said a word about it. I don't think Q of R and I even spoke of it.

Finally, on that boring day, over lunch I let him have it. Not just for that but for lying, making promises he never kept and for just being an all around jerk.

The moral of the story: I shouldn't have boring lunches, or you know something like that.

Dollywood Here We Come

2009-07-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

"J" wants me to move to TN with him. Yeah, you read that correctly but for full effect go back and read it again. To have my reaction, read it again and then 30 minutes later pick your chin up off the floor as you say WTFH!

Here is a little back story: The main reason "J" and I couldn't (wouldn't on my part) make it work is because he is allergic to work. It makes him sweat and feel all icky. He would find a job and then three weeks later quit because something wasn't going right. He never seemed to realize that the problem might be him.

In the 2 years that I was close to him he went to six different states on the trail of some new fabulous job. At one point I think he had applied for a street paver job in heaven.

I bet knowing all of this, you can guess why he is moving to TN. Thats right, Dolly Parton might need someone to walk around Dollywood with her and help her hold up her boobs.

The last argument we had I told him that he could not contact me again until he had a steady job. A little over a year later and I am the one that contacted him. I think my middle name should be Dumb ass.

Cheating

2009-07-26T18:14:00.000-05:00

Some of you who have followed me on myspace will recognize some of the posts below. In lieu of writing a lot of new posts I decided to reintroduce some of my old ones. I hope you enjoy!

Carjacks and Mascara Brushes

2009-07-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

Okay ladies let's talk. Whose idea was it to make our yearly examine so much fun? Let me tell you, I look forward to it as if it were the Bath and Body works semi-annual sale in the middle of Baghdad. As soon as I leave the doctors office I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next one. Woo Hoo!! Party!!!

The day before my examine when the nurse calls to remind me I always do a little happy dance. I love taking the extra time to uhhhhh landscape the night before. Everywhere from the toes up to your boobs has to be in presentable order. Your face could be covered in flesh eating monsters and the doc would never know, but lets just say that your panties left a piece of lint on your cha cha and , yep, that would be inspected and examined like the coroner looking at Anna Nicole's body.

Personally, I have never had a mammogram. I hear it feels comparable to slamming your ta ta in a car door a couple or ten times. Yeah I'm looking forward to that! Instead of the mammogram though I get something very special. I get my boob squished and pushed on like my doc is the angriest Amish woman in the world using her man hands to knead dough that has been frozen for 10 years.

After the kneading is over and I have picked my nipples up off the floor, the fun really starts. Then the doctor spreads your legs so far that you swear that they are going to break off at the hip. Oh and the absolute BEST part is when the doctor says "okay just relax" as she rams a carjack into your vagina and cranks it open enough that she could change the tire of an 18 wheeler in there. Yeah doc you relax while I ram an escalade up your cha cha!!!!!!!

Now as my vision starts to return she inserts what looks like the brush from my mascara into the Grand Canyon size opening she has created. Hmm no wonder I have nightmares of mascara brushes chasing me screaming " We want your cha cha". ANYWAY, she then begins to dig like she has lost King Tuts crown and will be burned at that stake alive if she doesn't find it.

Finally you hear those magical words "Okay all done. You can get dressed now" As you ease your sore naked body off the table and wobble over to put on your clothes you realize, I only have a year to recover from that!!!

Yeah and men think we have it so easy. I say we use the carjack for prostate exams!

2009-07-26T17:55:00.000-05:00

I secretly love:
1.) Buying trashy magazines and reading celebrity gossip.
2.) Getting up early on Saturday mornings and reading while I lay on the couch.
3.) Letting people think I am ditzy. (It's pretty funny when they realize I'm not.)
4.) Secrets
5.) Driving
6.) Making lists
7.) Taking things apart just to see how they work.
8.) Being needed.
9.) Washing clothes (I just don't like folding them and putting them away.)
10.) Decorating

I secretly hate:
1.) Putting on make-up
2.) Always being able to stay in touch with people by cell phone.
3.) Having my face touched.
4.) Being in large groups of people even if I know everyone.
5.) Buying clothes
6.) Britney Spears
7.) The thought of giving birth.
8.) Making small talk.
9.) Cooking
10.) Valentine's Day

Putting out the Fire

2009-07-26T17:43:00.000-05:00

The past few days I have really struggled with what I wanted to write. My co-worker and co-conspirator, Miss. Runs on Coffee, has taken to threatening me to hopefully induce postings. While, the threat of her singing is quiet possibly one of the most terrifying possibilities ever, it still has not helped with the writers block.

And then I received this text from TRC: BTW I have started sleeping naked.

Umm what? Wow talk about a blog topic just coming from no where.
Not 24 hours after telling Qof R that TRC and I rarely talk anymore he sends me that text. Well, excuse me but is that supposed to make me go all weak in the knees and forget all the crap we have been through. I think not!

Anyway the text conversation continued as follows:
Me: Oh. Okay then.
TRC: I'm just sayin.
Me: You are freakin' sayin that you sleep naked now. What am I supposed to do with that information?
TRC: Just thought you might be interested.
Me: Yeah sure.(Interested in knowing whats gonna happen should your house catch on fire and a fireman has to haul your naked ass out the house in front of the neighbors. Dude you are so going to be the talk of the firemans Christmas party!)
TRC: So what are you wearing?
Me: Substantially more clothing than you my long lost pervert.
TRC: Ha! Ha! Funny! Wanna come over?

And that is when I turned off my phone. He is still up to the same old tricks. Amazing how quickly he could tell me last summer that I was nothing to consider but still frequently thinks I am booty call material. Maybe he, being a hunter, should know that if the call isn't working he should possibly get a new call. Or just put on some clothes.

Sleeping with Dinosaurs

2009-07-26T17:38:00.000-05:00

Wanna know something that will scare the hell out of you? Having the power go out at your house and resetting your sound machine from the sound of rain to birds.

I walked in my room last night and heard what sounded like a pterodactyl, yeah I almost pissed my pants.

Random Thoughts

2009-06-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

Love. Children. Cancer. Sunburn that hurts like a mofo. Finances. Death. The future. Wondering how some people can live with themselves with the lies they tell and the way they act. Who are my REAL friends? Buffalo chicken pizza tastes like shit. Curious how long it will be before she crashes and burns. She told me she had sex but was it with a man or a woman? When am I going to be able to go back to the gym? Will he ever tell the truth? How can he think of something like that when his wife is dying of cancer? Does she realize that she only thinks of herself and her children? What is going to happen when he dies? What do people really think of me? Is Billy Mays the new pitch man for heaven or hell? Am I going to be able to sleep tonight? I am pretty sure the promises she made are lies.

2009-06-02T18:37:00.001-05:00

How to Charm Me #3

Inform me while we are on the phone that the echo I hear is because you are hiding in the bathroom from the kids.

2009-05-28T10:21:00.001-05:00

vendor asked me how old I was and if I was married. When I told him 28 and no he was all like what's wrong you better get a move on then I mentally punched him

Burnin' Down the House

2009-05-27T15:49:00.001-05:00

A few years ago I was in a semi-relationship with a guy we will call "J". He was sweet, but also had this other personality I called "Scary J". If I made him mad, even if it was something small it was like the Incredible Hulk turning green and ripping his clothes. I would immediately start looking for the nearest nuclear fall-out shelter and hoping it had supplies to last me through winter. No, I was never scared that he would actually hurt me or do me harm in any way but OH. MY. GOD. the rage!!

While "Scary J" wasn't fun it was "Let's-Get-Married-And-Have-Babies-Right-Now J"that eventually made me pack up all the pieces of that relationship and set them on fire with gasoline. Oh, and a blow torch.

After fighting hard to get out of it (even going so far as stretching the truth and telling him I was moving out of state and making him cry) I freakin' e-mailed him a few weeks ago. Yep, I drug him back into my life. Why you ask? Because I am a woman and sometimes we just need to hear somebody, anybody say that they care. And because I'm a woman and sometimes I'm crazy.

Finally, after the longest three days of my life he e-mailed me back. It was short and to the point, nothing really astounding, but the last sentence made me smile more than I have in a long time. "I have missed talking to your mean butt". He gets me.

I have the blow torch on standby just in case.

Ways to Annoy Me #2

2009-05-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

Talk in childish voices ALL the time. And whenever you come to our building you feel the need to disrupt everyone and everything. You need extreme attention and please stop seeking it here. I feel the need to body slam you off the back porch on a daily basis.

Also, I promise my blog has not became just ways to annoy/charm me. I will be back with a real blog post soon.

Ways to Annoy Me #1

2009-05-18T12:54:00.000-05:00

Whine everyday over and over and over about the same thing. Kill. Me. Now.

Ways to Charm Me #2

2009-05-17T20:11:00.000-05:00

Buy me crackwater (SoBe Lifewater) because you happen to notice they have my favorite flavor while you are in the store buying cigs.

Ways to Charm Me #1

2009-05-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

Tell me that same stupid 'Three legged dog' joke because you know it makes me smile when I'm feeling down. It's not that the joke is even remotely funny, but it has became "our thing".

Who I Am

2009-05-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

Recently, my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Having watched a best friend - motherly figure and my mom die from cancer, I kind of expected this diagnosis.

When my mom was diagnosed I was sort of expecting it but at the same time I was still in a bit of shock. This time around even though it's my dad and I am a daddy's girl, things seem much clearer and I feel like I am handling it better.

The one thing that does bother me this time is how we as a family have became a diagnosis. No one calls just to chat, we've heard from family we haven't heard from since mom died and everyone immediately asks how my dad is and how am I "handling" it. It is not that I do not appreciate the thoughts, I really do. The problem is , I am still Tammy. My name isn't Cancer and I still have a life to live and a job to do.

Cancer doesn't make the world stop turning. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it makes things more hectic and you realize anew how precious life is. But at the same time I am still a daughter, aunt, sister and friend. Cancer makes life really shitty, but it doesn't change who you are.

Please, let my family and I be who we are. Don't treat me like I am so fragile I might break at any moment. I am still the person I was before, I just need a little more patience and probably a little more vodka these days.

2009-05-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't noticed, when things get to painful I stop writing. I think it has something to do with actually dealing with (or maybe I should say NOT dealing with) what is going on.

I promise to be back soon, until then just dream about all the fun we will have when I tell you stories of new boys, old boys, lost boys and plans for sharks to eat a certain boy!

The Mind of a Man

2009-04-02T22:39:00.001-05:00

First off, I believe this title is an oxymoron, because men and minds do not go together.

There is a new guy that I have been talking to, let's call him.....Old And Irritating. OAI and I "met" through facebook (yet another reason to hate facebook). He seemed nice and was only looking for someone to talk to. Talking (more like e-mailing) sounded like something I could do. After a few e-mails I, as usual, let my guard down and gave him my digits.

Things were fine for a week or so, until the questions started. "Where are you? Why haven't you answered my text?" Blah blah blah blah blah. I was fairly done at this point, but then he WENT OFF in a voicemail accusing me of being married. Ummm.....no. So I basically told him that I couldn't do the friend thing anymore because he had become clingy and honestly had started creeping me out. I'm nothing if not blunt! OAI freaks out, calls me an idiot and says that he never wants to speak to me again. Woohoo!!!! Just what I wanted.

This morning, I received a two page e-mail explaining the reasons that he is perfect for me. TWO FREAKIN PAGES!!!!! To end the e-mail he said, and I quote "I will not beg to see or be with anyone, I do not have to do so." Really? REALLY?? Cause hey buddy, this whole e-mail is you begging to be with me. Hell, it was like a whole essay with a thesis and everything.

Not ten minutes ago, I received another e-mail from him saying how perfect he thought I was an how he didn't want me to contact him ever again. Hey genius (btw this fine specimen is an Assistant Principal of a high school) you are the one blowing up my inbox. The last time I sent you a message I called you a creep!

So what did I do? Oh my lovelies you know me so well. Of course I did something. I copied his e-mail with all the reasons we should be together and beside each one in bold red I simply typed, "YOU ARE A FREAK!" I then sent it to him in an e-mail and just to make sure to get my point across, I posted it to his wall on facebook. Yep, I'm that kinda girl!!!!

10 Things I Have Learned from Women

2009-03-29T18:44:00.000-05:00

1.) If you drink milk with oreos, it becomes a healthy snack.

2.) Purple panties make crotchless blue jeans okay to wear to work.

3.) You don't have to be blood related to be family.

4.) Acting like a dumb blond comes in handy sometimes.

5.) True friends will always be in your corner. They may be rolling their eye, knowing that you are making a bad decision, but they are still there for you.

6.) I am strong. With sufficient time, support and chocolate I can survive most anything.

7.) Coffee is one of the main food groups.

8.) Sometimes it is necessary to be a bitch.

9.) Keep your poker face on, and don't show all of your cards.

10.) It's okay to not answer your phone immediately because you are to busy dancing to the ringtone.

Goldilocks

2009-03-25T14:01:00.000-05:00

It has been so long since I have written anything "real". Things in my life are about as normal as can be expected for a crazy person, LOL.

I am still as single as the Pope. I still have a man in my life that I would like to be over, but can't. He texts me late at night when he's alone and there is no one better to talk to. I am fairly sure I mean nothing to him, but yet my heart keeps holding on.

I still have a man in my life that I wish I had feelings for, but don't. He texts me during the day and before I fall asleep at night. He is so sweet and I am sure he would treat me like gold, but I still don't have those feelings for him. My inner masochist is a real bitch.

I feel like Goldilocks looking for a man that is "just right" when in fact the chances are higher that I will be eaten by a pack of bears.

10 Things I Learned From Men

2009-03-11T15:33:00.000-05:00

1.) Sometimes you can’t be in a relationship or a friendship. Sometimes you need to walk away.

2.) To operate a bulldozier.

3.) Unexpected kissing can make things very confusing.

4.) To make a caramel pie.

5.) Sometimes "I Love You" is just three words and nothing more.

6.) To shoot a gun.

7.) Little acorns grow into mighty oaks (Thanks Rick I still have my acorn and THIS little acorn is doing the best she can).

8.) I should show off sometimes. I should let people see how capable I am. (Former boss).

9.) To make a potato gun and how to run when the potato gun is a little more powerful than you thought and the police come looking for you.

10.) Don’t trust men.

Against Better Judgement

2009-03-11T15:30:00.001-05:00

After crying for a total of 18 of the past 24 hours I lost all good judgment and answered the phone when J called. He was sweet and I was lonely. The kind of lonely where you feel like you are the only person who even exists. The kind of lonely where you pick up the phone just to call anyone who might answer. The kind of lonely where you lay in bed and talk for two hours to the ceiling hoping that somehow God is hearing you. Loneliness so deep and dark that you find yourself reaching across the bed hoping to find a hand to hold or shoulder to cry on, but instead you find nothing.